Intimacy and the Truth

The truth will set us free. How much we often chafe under the constraints of our relationships, but relief is in sight. The simple answer comes in being honest about who we are and what we feel.

Truth creates freedom by the fact that it establishes us in integrity. In Webster’s Dictionary, the first meaning of the word “integrity” is defined as “the quality or state of being complete, unbroken condition, wholeness, entirety.” It is only in the third definition that the commonly used meaning is presented: “uprightness, honesty, sincerity.”

What is perhaps well illustrated here is that wholeness precedes honesty. As we learn to accept the truth of who we are, we become whole inside, accepting our strengths and weaknesses. Being clear about our truth to others also frees our relationships. Others experience us as upright, honest and sincere when we allow the whole of who we are to be known.

When we withhold parts of ourselves—whether thoughts, actions, beliefs, or feelings—those with whom we are in relationship experience a lack of integrity or wholeness in us, or we might say, they sense the incompleteness which we are presenting to them. Relationships built on withholding parts of ourselves can never be complete or intimate. Thus, as much as it takes courage to allow ourselves to be fully known, our commitment to being whole with another allows also allows a whole relationship. As we grow in our self-esteem, we become more and more willing to have—and desirous of—this kind of integrity in our lives.

As we learn to tell the truth within ourselves and to ourselves, and as we begin to experience the absolute necessity of living the truth in our lives in order to be firmly grounded in self-esteem, we begin to recognize that this is also essential in how we relate to others. We begin to observe the chaos and distance that come from being dishonest in our relationships.

Of course, many of us were taught from a very young age not to be honest. Saying what we really felt or thought might have brought condemnation or punishment. Telling the truth may have become either dangerous, or at least inexpedient in getting our wants or needs met.

Yet, being “microscopically honest” as Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks (1990) suggest, catapults us into co-committed relationships which allow individuals to fully be themselves and be real with others. While the fear of being rejected for being ourselves may linger for a while after we have begun claiming our self-esteem, we become less and less willing to pay the price of relationships in which we cannot be whole. When we choose integrity for ourselves, we invite that in others, and in time, gather new relationships around us that foster and support mutual wholeness.

The primary way we communicate who we are to another is through words, although body language and actions often speak loudly as well. Just as our mindtalk silently speaks to us of our perceptions of reality, so our words let another person know who we are. If our words do not match with our true feelings or our actions, then we also do not present a “whole” picture to another person. We present fragments which do not fit together. It is vital that we understand the results of such inconsistencies, for the chaos created can reverberate extensively throughout many areas of our lives.

Relationships are essentially made up of agreements, or understandings, of how two people will interact. These agreements may be spoken or tacit, yet they create the foundation for how we interface with each other. In a relationship between two people who are in integrity with one another, both present themselves as they really are, and both maintain their agreements with each other.

However, if for some reason we think we cannot be honest about ourselves, the relationship also cannot be complete or whole. It affects our intimacy, our trust, our communication, how we are seen by another, our sex lives, and our ability to relax and be present in the relationship. If what we present is even a partial truth, a little white lie, or an unfulfilled agreement, we have not given our truth to another, and thus have not presented our wholeness or our integrity to that person. Or, if we communicate using words such as “you always,” “you never,” “I have to,” and other such absolutes that are inherently untrue, we set up a reaction in the other to those statements, which weakens any point we may want to make.

To honor our relationships with our hearts, we put truth, and therefore our relationship with ourselves and others, before convenience and comfort. That allows the wholeness to be there, and we avoid the series of reactions, compensations, and cover-ups by both parties which compromises the relationship.

For example, Harry promised to meet his wife Sheila at 8 o’clock, knowing he had another engagement that would last an hour beginning at 7:30. He wanted to avoid the hassle of a confrontation with her, because she wanted to meet at 6:00. When he broke the agreement with her, she was angry and hurt. He blamed her for being too sensitive and rigid. Yet because he was the one who broke the agreement, he felt angry at himself and at her for the back-paddling he had to do to cover up for not presenting his truth. As this was common in their relationship, Sheila trusted Harry less and less.

Sheila was very jealous of Harry’s time. Struggling with abandonment issues from childhood, she wanted a husband who was constantly with her. Often, when he had another engagement, she was hurt. Rather than communicate honestly about her fears and negotiate a solution that would be a win-win for both, she withheld her feelings until she was overwhelmed. What then emerged was a barrage of accusations based on her own fear which held little resemblance to the truth or to what was actually going on. Harry became less and less available over time.

As Harry and Sheila entered into counseling, the result of their dishonesty rang throughout their marriage and was evidenced in the lack of communication skills in their children. They all lived in the same space, but in very separate worlds. However, it did not take long for them to recognize that the lack of sharing the truth of what was inside for both of them had lead to an almost complete lack of intimacy. They chose to create ways to safely communicate and thus rediscover a caring that was still there.

Our word is sacred; it is the foundation of our communications with others and the basis of our relationships. When it is clean and clear, it is more valuable than any gains our manipulations might achieve for us. Healthy relationships born of self-esteem have a space for each person to be who they really are, without shame or condemnation, even though growth and negotiations continue. As we practice telling the whole truth about our thoughts, feelings, and actions, we come more and more into alignment with ourselves, and thus present to others the wholeness that we are discovering within. The prize is an increasing ability to communicate with clarity and love in a relationship.